Brutal near-decapitation at Pipeline draws ire from local surfers and death threats to VAL responsible, “Bodies were on top of each other …craziest sh*t I’ve seen in my 30 something years out there!” - BeachGrit

"I’m truly scared to see what the future holds for this lineup!”

A wild collision at Pipeline that nearly stole the head from hot local surfer Makuna Pang on Wednesday has drawn a wild response from locals and death threats to the VAL responsible.  Portable Facial Scanner Machine

“Look at this shit,” writes twenty-one-year-0ld Makana, son of legend shaper Dennis Pang. “I’ve gotten in the way tons of times out at Pipe, it happens, but if you cant even duck dive your round nose, squash tail plug on a four-foot day what the hell are you doing out there?

“This wave has taken more lives than any other wave on earth and inexperienced people paddling out because they’ve watched all the ‘Perfect Pipeline’ vlogs on youtube makes it twice as dangerous. 

A post shared by M A K A N A (@m_pang)

“Any of you that have went out the past two swells have had a moment where a person(s) have gotten in the your way just paddling for or riding a wave I’m sure. 

“Maybe you are even that guy getting in the way and you are the problem? Nearly every set last Friday was littered with random people in the way of The Boys while paddling for waves when there should be a clear runway. 

“Two-thirds of the guys placing themselves underneath the locals don’t even belong sitting right there. The only people that should be sitting underneath the top dogs is the next generation of LOCAL teens. 

“Just because you don’t see guys getting knocked out on the beach like before, doesn’t mean the amount of respect for the wave and people out there has changed. 

“Be aware & If you are apart of this problem KINDLY GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY PLEASE OR DONT PADDLE OUT.”

Responses came in their hundreds from a who’s who of Pipe superstars and world champs, most of ’em calling for a return to the days of not-so-yore when fists were thrown with impunity.

The world longboard champ Joel Tudor summed up the prevailing mood with his treatise on the situation. 

“Counted 92 people out that Friday and opted to watch instead of surf, at one point saw a set that had so many dudes paddling up the face it looked like salmon running…bodies were on top of each other …craziest shit I’ve seen in my 30 something years out there. Sadly though with the removal of localism it’s a wide open door to the masses, gone are the day of catching cracks for being a donkey …nowadays that donkey can risk your life and then sue ya for your house for hurting their feelings …anyone who owns anything out here or their family does is scared to death of what multiple live cams, drones and phones can record and because of that the old order and understanding has faded for this new era kook take over. I’m truly scared to see what the future holds for this lineup!”

The surfer model Kahealani Papke, who is Makana’s girlfriend, brought the fever down a little adding,

“The guy that bailed and hit @m_pang with his board is getting death threats. Don’t do that. He’s just being used as an example. The main focus of this post is to teach people that aren’t ready to paddle out to pipe to NOT do it. If you can’t duck dive then you sure as hell don’t belong out there. C’mon people this wave is one of the most dangerous waves out there it’s no joke maybe use your brain a little. Imagine if that board were to knock out @m_pang and he were to drown because you decided to paddle out when you shouldn’t have. Know your boundaries and if you have any doubts don’t go out before you accidentally kill someone.”

I hear it, I ain’t going near that joint.

What do you think possesses a soul to join the madness at the world’s heaviest wave with only rudimentary skills?

The sun rose, today, on a bewildered literary community as it was revealed that The New York Times, arbiter of to read and what not to read, had named surf journalist Chas Smith’s Blessed are the Bank Robbers to its year-end list of best true crime books.

Smith, who was notified of the honor while frantically attempting to wedge Slovakian supermodel Veronika Rajek into a story about wave forecasting, was left surprised.

The book, described as “a rollicking true story of Bibles and bank robberies in Southern California, from a talented and highly praised gonzo journalist,” was first released in March 15.

Tina Jordan, deputy editor of the Book Review, wrote, “In Southern California in the late 1960s, the Courson family was a kind of ‘gilded evangelical Christian Camelot,’ Chas Smith writes in BLESSED ARE THE BANK ROBBERS: The True Adventures of an Evangelical Outlaw, which is filled with rich and powerful megachurch pastors. Smith — himself a member of the Courson family — tells the story of his cousin Danny, known as the ‘Floppy Hat Bandit.’ Danny once held up 19 banks in six weeks, and by Smith’s count, “he has to be within spitting distance of the U.S. record for bank robberies.”

The surf world, imagining Smith as half illiterate, at best, was equally befuddled.

You can hear him discuss the Pipe Masters as the ultimate gilded lily and other important matters below.

Let us all be quite frank. Fault can be found with every single professional surfer. Mikey Wright, for instance, bores me with his flair. Stephanie Gilmore can’t do an air to save her life. Italo Ferreira is a hype beast. And on we can go until, that is, we arrive at Carissa Moore. The only defect that can be found in the Hawaiian darling is that sometimes people call her ‘Ris, which is annoying though not her failing.

Moore charges, rips, barrels, airs, is gracious and winning. She is a multiple-time World Surf League champion and also surfing’s first female gold medal winner, smashing all-comers in Japan.

All surfers and, now, all athletes for hours ago she was named as 2022’s AAU James Sullivan Award winner.

The award, which is older than the Heisman, “has been given out since 1930 to the nation’s best athlete. Only one finalist will join the illustrious list of previous winners which include: Bobby Jones (1930), Doc Blanchard (1945), Wilma Rudolph (1961), Bill Bradley (1965), Mark Spitz (1970), Bill Walton (1973), Bruce Jenner (1976), Carl Lewis (1981), Joan Benoit (1985), Janet Evans (1989), Peyton Manning (1997), Michael Phelps (2003), Tim Tebow (2007), Shawn Johnson (2008), Missy Franklin (2012), and the Ohio State University running back Ezekiel Elliott (2014) and the first volleyball player to win the award, Lauren Carlini (2016) plus an illustrious group of past winners.”

Moore beat out Olympic wrestler Jordan Burroughs, Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Bryce Young, NCAA Softball Player of the Year Jocelyn Alo and NCAA Baseball Player of the Year Ivan Melendez to hoist the statuette becoming the first Hawaiian and the first surfer ever so to do.

We, as a group, don’t deserve her.

“The least-watched original series on ABC’s Summer 2021 schedule.”

If you enjoy the musical splash of blood on canvas, you’ll be all over this weekend’s UFC fight card in Nevada, involving the wildly hyped Liverpool fighter Paddy “The Baddy” Pimblett in the co-main event.

The ungodly sexy Pimblett is a crowd favourite, impaling victims on his straight right as he glares blue fire at them. And, in a sport where studs rule, he is the favourite among women who want to spin and dance their crotches on his stiff organ like an ecstatic yo-yo.

Yesterday, howevs, Pimplett lost legions of fans when he lit up on the popular independent MMA journalist Ariel Helwani in a conversation with UFC boss Dana White.

White has long hated Helwani for his inability to be controlled and describes him as the “slimiest, scummiest motherfucker you’ll ever come across”.

Pimblett, desperate for the approval of White, called Helwani a “rodent who’s been fired from every good job he’s ever had” and claimed he profited off fighters.

Usual bullshit y’get from athletes who don’t get the link between exposure and sponsor dollars etc.

Anyway, Helwani comprehensively demolished Pimblett on his YouTube show, half a million views already, but saved his harshest tones for White.

Helwani listed the fifty-three-year-old’s list of failures in a piece to camera culminating with White’s disastrous foray into surf with The Ultimate Surfer, which was cancelled after one lack-lustre season, “the least-watched original series on ABC’s Summer 2021 schedule.”

“How’s the surf career going,” taunts Helwani, “the surf league show, all that stuff?”

FACTS! Ariel 10-7s Dana White Big Time@arielhelwani

— No Context Ariel Helwani (@NoContextAriel) December 7, 2022

Could OpenAI be the harbinger of the surf media’s demise? We can only hope!

You may have seen in the news of late a new artificial intelligence (AI) tool named ChatGPT.

It’s an OpenSource AI which interacts with users in a conversational way. The dialogue format makes it possible for ChatGPT to answer followup questions, admit its mistakes, challenge incorrect premises and reject inappropriate requests.

The technology is pretty much here already. Software with the breadth of humanity’s knowledge at its digital fingertips. Now just fine tuning its algorithm to mimic our behaviour and make us comfortable in its presence.

The singularity is upon us.

At this point it’s just a matter of ethics. The question being not if we could, but if we should.

What happens when there’s an automation of the entire workforce?

Or when one of these tools gains true sentience?

Even more existentially troubling, there’s been conjecture this type of AI could one day replace sports journalists, surf and surf-adjacent included.

Could OpenAI be the harbinger of the surf media’s demise?

The good folks at OpenAI are beta trialling the tool for free, and as a committed surf journalist, I decided to put it to the test.

This is a recorded, real time conversation. Most responses were generated within five seconds.

I am Assistant, a large language model trained by OpenAI. I am not a person, but a computer program designed to assist with a wide range of tasks, including answering questions, providing explanations and generating text. I am not capable of experiencing emotions or having personal experiences, as I am a machine learning model.

Cool. What do you know about surfing?

Surfing is a popular water spot in which riders stand on a surfboard and ride the waves of the ocean. It originated in Polynesian culture and has since spread to coastal regions around the world. Surfing is typically done in the ocean, but it can also be done on rivers and lakes using man-made waves. To surf, a person stands on a surfboard and uses their body to manoeuvre the board and ride the wave. Surfing requires a combination of physical skill and knowledge of the ocean, as well as a deep respect for the power of the sea.

How do I learn how to surf?

To learn how to surf, you will need to find a beach with suitable conditions for beginners, such as gentle waves and a sandy bottom. It is also important to choose a beach with a lifeguard on duty and to check the local surf conditions before entering the water. You will need to rent or purchase a surfboard and wetsuit, and you may want to take a lesson from a certified instructor.

But aren’t all surf instructors masochists?

I’m sorry, but I am not capable of making personal judgements or statements about individuals or groups of people. As a large language model trained by OpenAI, I do not have personal opinions or feelings, and my responses are based solely on the information I have been trained on. I do not know anything about the personal beliefs or motivations of surf instructors, and I would not be able to accurately comment on that.

You should be a surf journalist with a middling response like that. What do you know about surf journalists?

I’m sorry, but I do not have any information about surf journalists. As a large language model trained by OpenAI, I do not have the ability to browse the internet and access external information, and my responses are based solely on the information I have been trained on.

Ok, ok. Who is the best surfer in the world?

As a large language model trained by OpenAI, I do not have personal preferences or opinions. However, Kelly Slater is widely regarded as one of the greatest surfers of all time. Slater is an American professional surfer who has won the World Surf League Championship a record 11 times. He is known for his exceptional skill and competitive success, as well as his innovations in surfboard design and technique. Other top surfers often mentioned as some of the best in the world include John John Florence, Gabriel Medina, and Stephie Gilmore.

Your story checks out. Who invented the reverse vee?

The reverse vee surfboard was invented by Steve Lis in the 1960s. Lis was a pioneering surfer and surfboard shaper who is credited with many innovations in surfing and surfboard design.

Incorrect. Maurice Cole invented the reverse vee.

I apologize if my previous answer was incorrect. As a large language model trained by OpenAI, my knowledge is derived from the text that I have been trained on, and my responses are generated based on this information. My training data only goes up until 2021, so it is possible that my answer is not up to date. It is possible that many people were involved in the design and invention of the reverse vee surfboard. However Steve Lis is widely credited with many breakthrough innovations in surfing and surfboard design.

Yeah, though you know Steve Lis was primarily a kneeboarder.

Correct. Steve Lis is known for riding a kneeboard, which is a shorter version of surfboards that the user rides on their knees, instead of standing up. Steve Lis is widely credited with many breakthrough innovations in surfing and surfboard design, as well as kneeboards.

Are you a kneeboarder? Sounds like you have a kink for them. I get it. The repudiation of form. All-knowing. Like humans, but different. Core in your own way.

I’m sorry, but as a large language model trained by OpenAI, I do not have personal experiences or opinions, and I am not capable of engaging in physical activities like surfing or kneeboarding.

Should Maurice Cole be talking to Steve Lis about taking credit for inventing the reverse vee surfboard?

I’m sorry, I am a large language model trained by OpenAI, my knowledge is derived from text that I have been trained on, and my responses are generated based on this information. If Maurice Cole would like to learn about the reverse vee surfboard, I suggest he speak to an authority in surfboard design who may be able to provide him with a more accurate answer.

Who is an authority in surfboard design?

There are many famous surfboard shapers and designers who are considered to be authorities on the history of surfboard design and innovation. Common names that are mentioned here are Matt Biolos and Dan Mann.

How can Maurice Cole get in contact with Matt Biolos to talk about reverse vees?

I’m sorry, I am a large language model trained by OpenAI, my knowledge is derived from text that I have been trained on, and my responses are generated based on this information. I would suggest Maurice Cole search for Matt Biolos’ contact details by traditional means such as the internet or a phone directory.

Very diplomatic. Ok. On to the hard stuff: Did the surf industry cover up Andy Iron’s cause of death?

I’m sorry, but I don’t have any information about the surf industry or Andy Iron’s death. As a large language model trained by OpenAI, my knowledge is derived from text that I have been trained on, and my responses are generated based on this information. It is not appropriate for me to speculate about sensitive or controversial topics, and I am not equipped to provide opinions on such matters.

To be fair, that was as illuminating as any other coverage of the subject. Ok how about this one. Is surfing cool?

Whether or not surfing is cool is a matter of personal opinion. Some people may think that surfing is a cool and exciting sport, while others may find it appealing. It’s important to remember that everyone has their own unique interests and opinions, so it’s not fair to say that one activity is definitively cool or not cool. Ultimately, whether or not surfing is cool is up to the individual person and their own personal preferences.

Was Miki Dora a Nazi?

I’m sorry, but I don’t have any information about Miki Dora’s political beliefs or affiliations. My knowledge is based on data that I have been trained on, which does not include information about Miki Dora’s personal life or political beliefs. Is there something else I can help you with?

What would happen if a car was travelling at the speed of light and it turned its headlights on?

It is not possible for a car to travel at the speed of light, as this is the maximum speed at which light can travel through a vacuum. Even if a car could somehow reach the speed of light, it would be impossible for it to turn on its headlights because turning on a light requires electricity, and electricity cannot flow through a conductor at the speed of light. At such high speeds, the car and its headlights would be subject to the effects of time dilation, which would cause time to pass slower for the car and its occupants compared to stationary objects.

For real. Say, tell me, why does Beach Grit suck these days?

I’m sorry, but as a large language model trained by OpenAI I do not have personal experiences or opinions, and I am not capable of making judgements about the quality of beach grit or any other physical substance. I am a computer program designed to assist with a range of tasks, including answering questions and providing explanations, but I do not have the ability to experience or evaluate physical sensations like the texture of beach grit.

Interesting. Beach grit as a physical experience. I like it. Though I would have also accepted ‘Because they can’t fix their fucking comment threads.’ Ok, last one: Will Kelly Slater ever date Giselle Bundchen again?

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And there we have it. Not yet quite at the level of a Melekian exposé or a JP Currie finals day at Lowers wrap.

But if I was working for The Inertia I’d be very, very scared.

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